It always begins with a victim.
            Someone becomes a victim when a promotion was denied out of vindictiveness.  An idea was stolen.  A vicious rumor was started.  A critical e-mail was “accidentally” forwarded to a boss.  
            Workplaces are pockmarked with punctilious pronouncements that only intend to malign.
            If you have ever been on the receiving end of these nefarious attacks, you know that you are emotionally hard-wired to find a way to make the perpetrator experience as much pain as you felt.  There has to be a “get even” moment when the scales are balanced so you can sigh the relief of a winner in the great pay-back game.
            How long does the euphoria last?  Have you noticed, the hurt you have inflicted does not seem to ever last long enough or mirror your suffering?
            There are three reasons why any organization would want to renew the ancient practice of forgiveness and end this hurtful “eye-for-an-eye” practice.
            First, when staff members work on evening up the score, the tasks in the workplace are not getting done.  It takes an immense amount of time and effort to strategize inflicting pain.  How can someone even think about increasing productivity when the person in the next cubicle needs to be cut down a notch or two?
            Second, if the latest contact sport in your workplace is “two-can-play-this-game-as-well-as one,” be prepared for other people to join in.  We are all looking for easy answers to our most perplexing problems and, if the pay-back game looks like it may be effective and fun, well, take a number.
            Our workplaces can become cesspools littered with office offal of awful memories.  In a sick and perverted way, we actually become comfortable with dysfunctional environments. 
            Third, and most important, there are no winners in the pay-back game.  I have yet to find anyone who got “enough retribution” to satiate the yawning emptiness of the victim.
            So, if trying to get a pound of flesh is not enough weight to balance out this scale, what should the organization and victim do?
            Let’s deal first with the organization. 
            I am convinced senior management needs to make a public statement, in an all-hands meeting, something like this, “We are aware that all of us either intentionally or without malice will victimize each other.  This is a part of our shared humanity.  But, the practice is not acceptable.
            Your senior management team wants you to know we abhor intentional victimizing by word or deed.  Therefore, we will counsel, correct and then discipline anyone, at any level, who is content with thoughtless and hurtful comments.

            And, we are expecting those who have been wronged to consciously work at “letting go” of the victimizing event.  Our EAP personnel will assist any of us with this issue.
We will not tolerate both the victim and the victimizer using this place of business as a Colosseum to inflict mutual pain.”
Now, what about the “letting go” process for the victim?  Here are three stages I am convinced will end the agony for the victim.
Reengage.  In this first stage, the victim gives up the passive role and decides to verbally engage the victimizer.  It is important to note the victim is not asking the victimizer to grovel or plead for forgiveness.  The victim is just letting the victimizer know silence will no longer rule this broken relationship.
Recognize. The second stage provides the script for the victim, “Neither of us is perfect.  You were wrong, but I am equally as wrong if I give our conflict power in my life.”
In this second stage the victim acknowledges the 900 pound guerilla in the room.  This statement is honest, unapologetic and realistic.  The victim quickly moves to the final stage.
Reinterpret. The concluding statement from the victim may sound like this,  “Because I am in the process of ‘letting go’ of our past, I am moving on with my life. I needed hear myself say this …thanks for listening.”
So what did the victim get?  This person walked away knowing those words will turn off the video tape between his/her ears. 
If we say strong words soaked in self-respect, we no longer have an aggravated need to “justify” our anger.  When we become secure enough in our own ability we no longer need the false comfort of the vindictive victim.